What happened to your faith?

When I first left the F., I tried going to churches and worship God. I would shake and tremble inside and outside. The feeling of failure and guilt was overwhelming. The feeling of not really knowing a God or who God was after more than 20 years of service was devastating. Every Bible verse reminded me of something David Berg said or referred to. Or else it reminded me of the F. which by that time had such an awful taste in my mouth I couldn't stomach thinking about anything related. On top of that, I was so conditioned to hating the churches and thinking they were stupid and ignorant (remember the song, "Oh Lord Have Mercy on me I hate that damn old sound - of the church bells ringing and the people coming from miles around...") that I had a hard time sitting there with a positive outlook.

Church couldn't help me. Christian friends couldn't help me. they didn't have a clue what I was going through and were stuck in their little world of bliss, oblivious to what their fellow man could be experiencing in the darkest night.

The best thing that happened to me was to return to school and start college. The world that opened up to me was amazing. I was awestruck, I couldn't believe how much my mind had been put on hold. As if I took it out of the freezer and it was thawing out. There was so much more clarity in just learning and experiencing, discovering what I really believed, gaining a confidence - it was just what the doctor ordered.

To this day, I cannot open a bible and just read it. I may crack it open to find a reference now and then, but that's as far as I can get. If I try to just sit and read, I start trembling again, shell shock I suppose. Is my faith gone? Did I lose my relationship with Jesus Christ? Guess what? I have no idea. For a long time I felt like that poem about the footsteps, assuming God would have to carry me now since he is supposed to be so all knowing and my creator. After all, I WAS praying all these years since I first started on the road of Christianity at 18 yrs of age. Either my praying was all wrong, or God failed me. If my praying was so wrong in all my sincerity of seeking the truth, then why should I pray? How else could I do it right? I don't try now. I figure, if God be God, then he can show me and I believe he does, in his own way. I believe each and every one of us has a personal connection and it's so personal, it's strictly between the individual and God himself. Gosh, maybe Buddhists can find God too!!! That's shocking to Christians to hear, I know, but that's my feelings and my belief. Some say that won't coincide with the bible and show me a gazillion verses to prove it. But maybe they are misunderstanding the bible, after all, I did for nearly 20 years.