Fasting and serious Masturbation Requests

Oh PTL, GBY and TTL, dear Family. This is Sweet Honey Buns, Mommie's secretary, and oh (excited clapping) do I ever have a great announcement to share with you!

You know, things are so exciting in the Family right now! Isn't that what keeps some of you going for God when the trials beset you, just knowing that when you get in the dumps, another Mommy letter will come along to turn your keys into swords and your penises into vaginas?

Wasn't the KY Jelly Revolution exciting? I'm still trying that one out! Well, just last night in a frenzied session of prophecy and masturbation, Mommie and King Penis were down on the floor on a mattress, enjoying the KY Jelly Revolution while praying for our wonderful Worldwide Family's many needs, when Mommy began jabbering excitedly in tongues and said:

"I GOT IT! I GOT IT! We'll start the 'Masturbation Requests' Revolution. Since our Family always has prayer requests, and since masturbation and prophecy have become such a big part of our prayer life, why don't we completely break with the damned, devilish, compromising system and call a spade a spade. Let's shock those churchy compromisers by calling Prayer Requests, "Masturbation Requests".

So now, instead of saying, "I have a prayer request for Uncle Hezekiah's groin," say, "I have a Masturbation Request for Hezekiah's groin." Or instead of saying, "Please Pray for Peter's penis, that he can get it up," say, "Please masturbate for Peter's penis."

It really defines who we are as a movement. In fact, because masturbation involves so much excited movement (ha!) Mommy also said that we should call ourselves a Masturbation Movement. So now when the media asks, "Aren't you guys just a sex cult?" answer, "No way! We're independent missionaries and part of a worldwide masturbation movement."

Aren't you excited? Doesn't this just make you want to stay in the Family to be so revolutionary? (excited clapping and jumping up and down) So now, here are today's Masturbation Requests:

Please masturbate for our vicious enemies, that they won't be jerks and spout off lies.

Please masturbate for our friends, that they'll stiffen their resolve to be firm and stand up straight and tall for us.

Please masturbate for money, for millions of dollars in funds in specific. A few years ago, you will recall, we received prophecies that the Family would soon become a mega-million dollar financial power. Many of you have become discouraged wondering, "Where's the cash?" When Mommy prayed about this, jesus told her, "Well, hve you masturbated for it? Have you whacked off with all your hearts? Ye have not because ye whack not."

In fact, we would like to call a three-day Fast and Masturbation session for mammon. We need as much as we can get, so please fast from full sex and intercourse, and masturbate for mammon with tongues and weeping. It is not time to go for the gold, the silver or the bronze. We want to go for the greenbacks!

Please remember that masturbation is not meant to be done for pleasure, but as a tool-become-sword in our weapons cupboard, so do not, I repeat, do NOT, have orgasms.

The Fasting and Masturbation will last from August 21, dear Mommie's birthday, until Feb. 18 of next year. While this may seem a little long to go without food, we are sure you will realize the need for the Lord to bring in funds for Mommie's and King Penis' retirement fund. Please only do necessary tasks such as witnessing and PR, while others watch the children, so that most of you can devote yourselves fully to masturbation.

Thank you! Now let's go, go, go!

Sweet Honey Buns, for sweet Mommy.