Letter to Maria (part 4)

who a few years back went out of their way to physically hurt you. Some
even seemed to enjoy applying corporal discipline.
And I know my mom was forced to go “FFing.” There's another lady who has a kid
from some “shepherd” who forced himself on her (also commonly called “rape”).
It's a common enough joke nowadays in the Family. We used to kid around with
each other on the FFing topic, and the most common summary of those times
would probably be a line like‚ “It's okay to have sex for money as long as you
talk about Jesus!” I know it's a nasty joke, but it has more than just a ring
of truth to it. There was some sexual abuse when I was growing up. I know why
we deny it, but I don't know why we try to lie to our children and ourselves.
I saw some myself and heard of quite a few more instances. Once I walked in on
an older man trying to get a little girl to do something oral on him in the
bathroom. He threatened me with a beating (to put it simply) if I talked. I
was young (and stupid). I went and told someone who was our shepherd at the
time. (This “shepherd” by the way, was, and still is considered a rather
high–ranking, famous “icon” in the Family). Of course I was surprised, but
most of all horrified to be brought into a room a day later where I got 10
swats from the pervert and my shepherd for “my wrong attitudes.” I had dark
bruises on me from that spanking and couldn't sit down in class.
When I was asked to “sit down like the rest of the children,” I explained that
I couldn't because I was very sore from a spanking. I got yanked up, marched
out, and received some more swats for my “insolence.” I think it took me about
a month before I wasn't in pain after that. This is just one personal
experience. I can count more than six girls I know that were quite literally
raped by other Family members and have gotten not even a form of apology.
A friend of mine got partially excommunicated not long ago. What I really
didn't like was seeing my friend get partial excom for something he didn't do.
Actually I was there, and he didn't do anything. I wrote the office later,
asking why would they place someone on punishment when he and others denied
doing anything wrong? Oh, I forgot … they had “asked the Lord!” Therefore he
had told them that he was guilty as accused and that I should leave it at
that. Umm … yeah‚ let me repeat. “I WAS THERE!” That means I saw what
happened. Makes me hope that that VS/CRO/ABM or whatever works on his channel
with the Lord.
The reason I mention these things at all, is that I don't understand how it
could be OK for FGA adults who (even admittedly) did things like that, or at
least turned a blind eye to many of these types of things, could still have
such a huge problem with young people having a little independence. It kind of
seems like straining at a gnat and swallowing a camel to me. But hey! We don't
care! I do want to serve the Lord and others. The past is all behind me.
The Family is in my blood and is my upbringing. I don't know what I'd do if I
left. It would take out what I believe in, the things that I have tried to
live for so long! But now as I sit and talk to my friend, I can hardly keep
from crying. See, she also feels like I do. She feels guilt for giving up and
thinks about her struggling parents. But I think she can only take so much.
Perhaps it was too long without any real fun, human affection, or even just a
break.
CVC diplomas don't do much for you anywhere outside the States, or even in the
States, for that matter. My friend has no bank account, no real documented
education, no credit history, and not even ID beyond a passport. No father
listed on her birth certificate and no school records ... basically not even
enough stuff to get a phone line installed legally or rent a movie from
Blockbuster. So she gets the $5.55/hour job. She lives in a hostel with four
other strangers. Boyfriend? Yes! Does he love her? She doesn't think so, but,
hey, at least there's someone now there at night when you need someone to grab
onto.
When I talked to an adult about the person I mentioned above and how sad I was
to see such a good person leave‚ he shrugged and said‚ “Heck, not everyone
makes it,” and this adult turned and left after suggesting that I not keep in
touch with “backsliders!” Mentalities like these are just what I'm talking
about.
If I was to go out now to just chill and have a relaxing time, I stand in
danger of breaking several Charter rules. Let's say I want to go with my
girlfriend to the movies, then a club, let loose‚ have a great time and come
home. I may as well be accused of “not minimizing ungodly influences,”
“overdrinking,” “watching unedifying movies” and “listening to ungodly music.”
But goodness,