Posted by jo on March 24, 2004 at 07:34:58
In Reply to: Re: Reconciliation - pros & cons posted by Coordinator on March 19, 2004 at 17:31:05:
There are several things to consider about reconciliation, but first and foremost is whether or not the survivor of the perpetration wants to.
Another thing to consider is that when a survivor seeks out confrontation they need to be well supported and prepared because quite often they will receive the opposite of what they would like to hear. Like excuses, denial, shame and blame that is not theirs,attacks about vulnerable areas of their own lives, or they could in SOME instances be talking to someone that is a perpetrator who is only sorry if they get caught. I worked a couple of yrs. with families where there was sexual abuse connected to use of substances. Some of those cases would be non threatening if the sustance was discontinued and they had counseling. Others were just serial child rapists moving from family to family and there was absolutely, to date, no cure, no correction for their predatorial behavior.
I know what it is like to feel assertive and then go back to feeling like that terrified child. No not because of being an SG, but because of being a survivor of child sexual abuse as well as other forms. I think what gets mixed up sometimes in FGA/SG communications, at least by myself, is that many FGs, at least speaking for my self, I have been dealing with the fallout of years of abuse from my family of origin and then the family and I take things very personally when FGs are categorically described as predators or stamped as guilty just for having been a member of the group that devolved steadily into what it has been from the top (Berg and Zerb) all along. There are many FGs that NEVER crossed that line, and some who may have and were coerced and repulsed and never did it again. Some resisted and received dire consequences, feeling they were "weak" and "bad" for resisting, but still DID NOT CROSS THAT LINE. But many of FGs that did cross that line probably had a disorder in that arena already or they would not seek out children even when there was a superficial charter-backed slap on the wrist.
But whatever happens, when I speak to any message that categorizes all FGs in one box, I do not mean that as any sort of denial of the horrors that happened to SGs. I left before the labels "uncles and aunties" came out and before the combos. I saw the SD book and thought it was revolting, but there was so much else going on and no FGs were following suit at that time anywhere that I knew of where i was at. At the same time, I was in Scandinavia, Denmark, where child porn was legal. But it was in that category that most Danes would never engage in.
I think that some reasons FGs did not report the book was because there was already a huge sense of God as the killer of those who went outside the circle of His will, like judas. Berg pointed to societies where child marriage etc were allowed now and in the past in order to "normalize" his perversions, and to voice even a dissenting opinion was tantamount to betrayal and cause for severely being dealt with incl. separation from children. I did leave around the time that it was obvious that schools for kids would soon be the norm with sexual deviancy promoted. What I did not realize at the time was that my conscience was not the devil. I left the group and felt like I could be struck dead, but I was burnt out because the sex abuse was the ultimate trigger that I could not deal with, especially when it was filtering down to kids.
I am so sorry and so sad to hear what happened to kids after I left, but I will say that there were times when after having left the group that I did speak out about what was coming and what was practiced (the little I knew about) from the top.
I could never reconcile with my family of origin because my father and mother have been dead for a long time and my sister and brother do not have a conscience. To try and talk to them would be to set myself up for further hurt. Besides, I don't even know where they live and haven't seen them in years and years. And that is the best thing for me because they will NEVER be my family. Sometimes creating family of choice is the only viable option. I think that is part of what i did when I joined the family, before the children were around and child abuse. And what appeared to be pure love was actually manipulation and grooming for prostitution and then later child molestation and above all CONTROL over all its members via FEAR.
So I am glad I am out and my heart goes out to the SGs that are dealing with their own issues of abuse.