Posted by Another exer on May 21, 2007 at 05:11:32
In Reply to: looking for help posted by sas on May 18, 2007 at 00:31:39:
I'm a relative of an ex cog member. I have lots of questions and am seeking answers. Like:
Could you have lived in the group for more than 20 years and never participated in sexual abuse of a child.
________________________________
Yes, that is definitely possible that a person did not sexually abuse a child, however, if anyone was in the Family that long they would have heard about it via literature and perhaps heard through the grapevine about people that did this. What would be different, is that while in, the person would not define this as sexual abuse. They may feel it was wrong, but then on a deeper level they would have been convinced that their reaction of abhorrence was a weakness rather than a moral strength and that they were wrong for being disgusted by it. It is much the same as how Elizabeth Smart after being abducted and raped was, after a few weeks, not only compliant but protective of her captors. In a cult, we weren't taken by force (those joining as youth) but we were presented a very different outward appearance as to what the cult was about. This is a very significant factor. Had we gone into it knowing it was not approved of and its inner workings were exposed, we would have made a conscious decision to cross lines known by society at large to be wrong, before any intensive indoctrination.
It is a fact that many did not participate in any sexual abuse of children and that many did not make any reports of sexual abuse when writings came out about "Davidito" then later others who were abused, because in the cult mindset, doubt was the devil, weakness, failing God and potentially punishable by all kinds of horror.
It is the reason that many still in will say there was no sexual abuse. They see the situation from a cult perspective which is not in touch with reality.
This is one reason many ex-First Gen. members get very depressed. It is not easy to look back and realize that what you thought you joined and what you gave a lot of your life to was as destructive as it was.
____________________________________
How can I find out the good things that specific family members did.
------------------------------
Ask. There were many good things people did as individuals or even as part of the group. It is what helps reinforce the lies. "Look at all these good things TF does". The General Public is suckered by multiple names and umbrella org names and the good works are dissociated from the sick doctrines or the core beliefs of the cult. A person coming out of a cult situation after twenty years needs a lot of support and help to come to terms with what they were involved with. Thinking is distorted and it takes time to get your marbles back and learn how to play with them.
________________________________
When a person leaves the group how long is it before they can come to terms with their mistakes and admit them.
----------------------------
There is not a set time. A lot depends on the type of help and how much help and support a person has after they leave, and the quality of the "help" they get. Some recognize things that were wrong in a matter of weeks. Others in months or even years. Some never dump the whole TF enchilada and others dump everything associated to it and avoid religion of any kind like the plague, having such bad experience with religion via the Family.
The things that take longer are dealing with PTSD for some because of continued trauma over a few decades and that is the harder part for many.
For me, I felt numb a good deal of the time and then would suddenly be triggered by something I saw or watched and either immediately or maybe hrs later I would suddenly feel very very angry or very very anxious.
It took years for me to start experiencing emotions in a healthy way.
Well, this is just some of my thoughts about your questions and a bit of my experience. I hope it helps and I hope your relative gets a lot of support and help. I don't know if you have heard of Meadow Haven or not, but it may be something you want to check out for your relative.
http://www.meadowhaven.org/